The day after my relapse I bargained with myself smoking tobacco instead of weed. Like a child who throws a tantrum because he wants a bag of candy, you try to appease him by buying him a piece of chocolate. I got myself a pack of cigarettes, reasoning that I would give them away when I was fed up with it.
I held on to the pack a couple of days, until a homeless man asked me for a cigarette as I was smoking, and I lied saying that I didn't have any. I did this out of habit, as I don't usually give away cigarettes. I went on my way until I remembered: "I'm supposed to not hang onto these" and I hurriedly caught up with him so that he would do me the favor of taking whatever remained in my pack.
Today I felt strong cravings for smoking anything. I came out of work and thought "I better buy cigarettes rather than weed", but then I considered nicotine pouches. It wasn't very appealing in my mind at the moment, feeling distinctly the need for smoking, but I bought a tin of nicotine pouches anyways.
I put the pouch in my mouth, and I started having hiccups—I have this side-effect with pouches for some reason. Soon enough my cravings were dispelled, and I no longer felt any inclination towards smoking. I thought "how strange, before the pouch I would have thought this wouldn't satisfy me", yet now I was feeling completely free from cravings.
This morning I read h0p3's getting to know someone in x questions and I thought I would answer it for myself. I'll at least answer it in part tonight:
What brings you here today?
What brings me to my desk to write? I feel I can't explain it, it's a need to dump whatever I'm experiencing. It makes my mind feel less messy. The voices inside my head get too loud if I don't write. Perhaps it's a form of self-therapy.
What do you do to survive in the world? When you aren't doing what's necessary to subsist, what do you do with your precious freetime?
After a long hiatus from professional employment (six years) I've joined a small start-up as a product designer. The company I work for does global invoicing.
Monday to Friday, when I'm not working I can be doing yoga or writing as I'm doing now. My day does not seem to have enough hours to do anything else. Though recently I've decided exercising in the morning so that I have my evenings free. I'd like to take dancing lessons in the evening and leave a bit of space for the unexpected. I dislike routine. Weekends tend to be social.
If anything, what is good, and what do you think we owe each other as persons, and why?
(I must think about this better).
What are some of your biggest regrets in life?
The one I remember the most is sleeping with the ex of a very good friend. They got back together later. I thought a lot about confessing, but in the end I would just be doing this to lessen my guilt. Never again.
If you could permanently delete a memory, which would it be and why?
I think most negative memories can cause a positive counterpart if you heal them, so I wouldn't delete my negative memories. There is, however, a genre of memories which have left no positive impact. As a teenager I used to visit a gore/alt website (rotten and stileproject). I can still vividly recall some of the things I saw there, 25 years later. I would rather have those memories deleted. What you see you can't unsee.
What's a truth about yourself you often avoid acknowledging?
That I'm self-absorbed.
Is there someone you pretend to like but secretly can't stand? Why?
Currently no. But I've experienced this, I cant stand them because they remind me of the things I dislike about myself.
What's a desire you have that would shock the people closest to you?
I desire that a lethal illness would befall on all men of the world, and that only I would be immune. Women would be lined up to have sex with me.
What's a lie you've told in a relationship that you don't regret?
That I was taking ED medication throughout our relationship. That the reason I was only staying over during the weekends was not work, it was weed.
If relationships were purely transactional, what do you think you'd be "worth"?
Ugh a horrible question for me. I sincerely feel I'm a net negative in my friend's lives. Whatever metric you want to consider: attention, money, appreciation, they give more than I give them. I often confess to these feelings of inadequacy, but they are wonderful and also give me more understanding than I would give them.
If your enemies wrote a biography about you, what do you fear they'd highlight?
The only enemy I can recall is an anonymous guy in my last job who wrote unsolicited performance reviews (he was not part of my team), who basically said I was an impostor. I agreed with him. I feel I have more professional prestige than what is warranted, therein lies my fear.
In what situations have you been the villain of someone else's story?
In relationships with very nice and accommodating women. I need boundaries.
What's a commonly accepted societal norm that you personally find disturbing?
That we dedicate most of our lives to work. Our identities and time should be tied to a variety of things. We should work 20 hours per week at most (where work means activity as a means of sustenance).
Have you ever ghosted someone and felt justified in doing so? Why?
I have ghosted but I have never felt justified doing so. I think everyone should know why you are choosing not to communicate anymore.