Yesterday I attended my bimonthly TED Talks MeetUp event. The video we would discuss was 4 types of regrets and what they teach us about ourselves.

It was interesting listening to people identify with their type of regret. Attendants got especially hung up on the second one: lack of courage, especially in the context of love. We often regret not going in for the kiss, not making that confession of love, not being open and thus vulnerable at the moment of the embrace of love.

I protested, saying that while doors close behind you, up ahead they are opening, and by lamenting the fact that you didn't walk through the door, you are missing the chances that are opening up for you at this very moment. The organizer, who was most hung up on this topic, joked that perhaps I had many doors opening but he didn't.

I protested again: the times I regret the most are the times when I was most brave. I fell on my face because I was nervous, because it was too early, because I was too eager. These memories come to haunt me in the middle of the night, in the solitude of my walks, in the focus of work.

There is a reason we are afraid: to protect ourselves. We must find a way to cross the chasm without risking our spirits. It is foolish to jump over a precipice which you have no chance of making it to the other side. You must be patient and find passages, stepping stones, bridges to get to your beloved. I accept I will never be able to chat up a beautiful stranger on the street, but I might be able to slowly build rapport with my gym crush.

This observation was welcome by others as it was by myself, because I had never realized that I have a long game, and my biggest asset in romance is patience.

When we came out of the event I told my girlfriend I wanted to buy a jacket, because I'm winging Madrid's low temperatures with a thin hoodie. While I'm comfortable being cold, it seems other people are not comfortable seeing me cold, wincing while asking me why I don't carry a jacket.

"Because it's not uncomfortable" I say. "What do you mean, you're shivering". It's not uncomfortable to shiver, it's more uncomfortable carrying an item which you have to constantly remember to carry. I'm cold but I don't suffer. Sometimes I even enjoy being cold.

We went to an outlet store, but I found nothing that appealed to me. Something that was light and small, yet warm and affordable. Coming out of the store I told her we should grab dinner somewhere instead of having dinner at her house, as she had proposed earlier. She said that the Chinese soup place was nearby. Then I said "it's just because I'm hungry and I don't want to wait for us to prepare dinner", and she said "oh but I already prepared a quiche for us, we only have to prepare salad". "What? You should have said that!", "Well, it's the same, I could have it for lunch tomorrow".

With this we went to her house and had dinner there. As I was leaving she went into her studio and brought out a bag: there was a beautiful jacket inside, small and compact. "I was planning on giving you this later, but it seems you want it now". "What!? You should have told me earlier!"—"Well, you could have chosen something different, it's not like you don't need an extra jacket. And if you chose something similar I could just return it". But... But... That doesn't make any sense! Of course anybody else would have steered me away from buying a jacket. Why?

There was something very moving about both gestures, allowing me to exercise my will with no regard of her own plans. However, more than ever I'm doubting this relationship, I have not written about it, but I feel an asymmetry in our affection, and I'm constantly worrying about it. I feel the more I ignore it, the worse the outcome will be. I've been waiting to gain clarity on the issue, but the feeling is only growing. I'm not sure what to do when I feel I cannot correspond the love and understanding I'm given. I must find guidance.