Saturday February 8, 2025
I am lying at Retiro Park after having smoked a joint. I have fallen for it again. I think it is time to go to AA. Life cannot continue like this. I know where it leads.
Having said this, let us enjoy the trip. I am lying on my mat, after having sweat on it. I wanted to let it dry out after yoga practice. The sun has come out after weeks of rain. It is warm enough to take off my shirt. I have just done so. There is a cold breeze. It is 13C perhaps?
I miss the sun. I need some sun to be happy. I am at the almond orchard of Retiro. The almond trees are budding their flowers, but one has blossomed early, I shall photograph it.
Why is it that I have trouble placing myself here, in the present moment? a while ago, at yoga practice, I was weak and thinking about work, not really present in my body. I have trouble finding presence lately.
All the problems I have (which I admit, are not as important as yours) are away. I can enjoy myself and being inside me. Is it fun being inside of yourself?
At this time, no. I am being unappreciative of the blessings that I have. I am an ungrateful person because I say to myself "I wont fake gratitude" but it is not like that, you have the embers of gratitude inside you, in the form of memories, fan these memories and they will glow. For this, active imagination must be used, and this must be accompanies by bodily awareness, to work into our emotions, because the body is part of your journey.
The sun was obscured by a cloud, and a chilling effect was experienced. The sun ins coming out again, it fades, I'm cold, it is coming out again, everything is transient and this mood, this somber mood which besets me at this time will pass like the clouds that have passed overhead.
I will become sunny within the self, in time. I must be patient with the clouds of my own judgement, because my mind it out of control lately. I see clearly into what I am escaping at this time, the work is clear and I can... [left the sentence unfinished and resumed]
I did a downward dog and smoke the remaining weed that was stashed in my backpack. I will now try to write in a split leg position. [end of entry].
Sunday, February 9, 2025
I have come to sit down on a bench near where I was yesterday. I was my intention to come here without weed, and compare my experience. My thoughts are loud, complaining severely, and I feel generally tired.
When I came out of my apartment at noon, I found a stash of food at the footsteps of the entrance of IE, Instituto de Empresa, perhaps the most prestigious Business School in Spain. The food had a note, "para ti" (for you) with sa smily face. Most of the food was partially consumed. It was as if someone of this posh business school would be moving or going on vacations and thought it would be a same that their food would go to waste, so they thought that by leaving it on the street someone would take it.
Though well intentioned, this act made me angry and sad at the same time. "You think you will reduce suffering by leaving your leftovers on the street, but deep down what you fell is guilt at throwing away your food. Nobody will take it. This is not Somalia, people are not starving. What homeless people need here is dignity, and even if someone were so hungry to take your partially eaten food, you would take away their dignity". Then an inner discussion arose "Well, what have I done if I am supposed to know better? Why do I do not invite the homeless person to have lunch with me? This person is at least doing something rather than pretending the homeless do not exist".
As I argued between these inner factions I biked towards the gym. I through "If I continue being lost in thought as I am right now, I will have an accident". I notice I am depressed when I think I will have an accident on the bike. "This will be the day I die" I think. And then I think "That would be such a relief".
But, I didn't have an accident, I made it to the gym sound and safe. I signed up tho this gym a month and a half ago, but I have barely come. I despise it. On the surface it is perfect: brand new, posh, the interiors look like 3D renders. Deeper down it is dysfunctional, badly managed, they make promises which they do not uphold.
My QR code was not letting me in. The sales lady approached me to ask if I was having trouble. I sighed. "I always have trouble". I showed her the shit show of application for their gym just didn't work. She used her bracelet to let me through. This is supposed to be a "high tech" gym. Many of the the machines will register your performance and help you keep track of the weight you are lifting, but in practice nothing really works.
This is the promise of technology, that it will make our lives easier, smoother, more pleasant. But in practice it's more complicated. I would rather have a receptionist know my name and let me in, I would rather bring my own lock, I would rather keep track of my performance myself rather than uploading it somewhere I don't trust.
Nearby two men are dancing, one in front of the other, but separated by about three meters of distance. It is obvious that one is teaching the other. They are both smooth, but the teacher is more so. I will go sit where there is more sun and less shade.
That's better. The sun warmed up my foul mood a little bit.
I came here to be able to distinguish what is it that I am escaping when I get high. I see it clearly now: it is this incessant complaining about trifling stuff. Being inside me is unbearable. I once read a parable of addiction which went somewhat like this:
You touch a hot stove, you get burned. You find something to relive your pain. Soon you discover that if you touch the stove while on pills, you don't feel pain. Yes, you burn, but it doesn't matter, because it doesn't hurt.
I find relief in weed because it stops this endless trifling dialogue. From where does this arise? From isolation, from lack of meaning, from ungratefulness. I dislike complaining about my situation, I know very well that my problems are nothing. I wish to be distracted because I find no good answers to give to myself, even after all these years searching. I feel alienated, unengaged with life, ungrateful at the bounty that life has given me.
Somehow writing everything down has eased out my thoughts, "everything that is not expressed is acted out", a therapist once told me.
Early in the week I was warned by my bosses at work that I was not performing to my expected level. I agreed. Work has not come easy. I find it laborious and boring. I struggle to keep on track. But this event made my avoidant personality flare up: "perhaps they are better off hiring someone else, perhaps I am done with work, nothing seems to work out for me, etc".
Despite not identifying with my thought, it is a drag to listen to myself self-doubt. I think "I should think less like this, and more like that". But in reality I should simply stop thinking so much.
Following this warning at work, the memories of past embarrassments surged again. I have seen first-hand that feeling shame will bring more memories of shame. Will I always circle back to this point? Whatever improvement I have seems temporary. I seem to be waking in circles for years, unable to kill the minotaur of the labyrinth. No progress, no change, I feel stagnant.
I am looking at the men dancing. I am thinking "I could do that, my body has become supple and smooth". I want to step into unknown territory, I want to make things work out for me. I want a plan of action. I shall meditate now.
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A 15 minute meditation session with intrusive thoughts. Change your tactics, something inside me told me whatever you are doing now is not working out. What do I want to leave fixed? I would like that my job works out for myself and for my employer. That is fixed. All else I can and want to changne, I will quit the gym and yoga. Dancing lessons. I must connect with other people. Being a loner is a coping mechanism.
Help others. I do not yet know how or what I can bring to them. I must come back to meditation. I do not think straight if I do not do it. Do not consume things that will help you forget that you are hurting. The hurting is there to tell you to change your ways.
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I have a small OCD manifestation in which I dislike leaving my notebook pages unfinished, so I will just banter to myself until I finish filling the page.
In a while I am going to yoga class, and I am wondering if I should go back home to pick up my yoga mat. I still have enough time. I also wonder if it is necessary, as I can borrow one at the studio. Nothing else I can do at home with whatever time I have remaining. I think the answer is: I don't really need to do anything.
I will walk to a hill where the sun is especially nice, not that I can lay down and not be uncomfortable writing while laying down.
The feelings of despair have largely faded away after writing them down. I shall not hide my darkness, my ungratfulness or my shadow. It is by shining the sun on the vampire that it turns into dust. You may hate me as much as I hate myself for being unhappy against all odds, but this is who I am in my most honest self at this time. I accept and love myself unconditionally, hoping that this act will help me extend this attitude towards others.