Yesterday is kinda fuzzy in my memory, like a dream would be. A week ago I bought a ticket to a nightclub which was actually an "eveningclub", the venue would be open on from 6pm to 11pm. I came out of work and needed to blow some steam off. I bought cigarettes, went to the club and had three drinks in the space of an hour before deciding I didn't like it without having smoked weed.
So I went to the weed club and smoked a joint. There was a DJ and I enjoyed the music by dancing in my seat. After a while I came out of the club and I was overcome by nausea. I vomited a few meters away from the entrance, a barely productive vomit that brought me no relief. I walked a few meters ahead when I started heaving again. I leaned between two cars and felt my core contract at its own will, this time expelling what little remained of the drinks I had had before. I walked a block before falling victim to the heaving again, this time producing a thick paste of the peruvian lunch I had earlier in the day.
Finally I felt alleviated from the nausea, and I thought: all this is so sad and unpleasant. I don't have to put myself through this. I'm sick of being sick. I choose not to do this. So I took whatever remained of the weed and my mostly full pack of cigarettes and I threw them into the bin.
In order to nurture my soul I went looking for a chinese place which has good soups, but it was closing when I arrived. My best friend in Mexico sent a picture of tacos into our mexican buddies group. I told them that was teasing, I was hungry and looking for a place to eat. My friend told me to toast for them with a tempranillo wine.
This initially clashed with whatever I was thinking at the moment, perhaps I was thinking to go fully sober, but I understood: it's not about completely swearing off alcohol and weed, it's about the company, the timing, the ritual. I will never be able to see my best friend without getting drunk (unless he choses to go dry, because he is borderline alcoholic).
So I conceded to have a glass of wine to toast for my friends, on the 14th of february. I told them to please excuse me for saying I loved them and missed very much, but that I was a little bit drunk and thus I was excused. They also shared words of affection. I toasted to them and ate a couple of croquetas at the Spanish bar I had wandered into.
Then I wandered the streets for a while before going underground into the subway. The whole station was eerily quiet and empty, not a single soul in sight. When I reached the platform, a man who was cleaning informed me that the last train had already passed, so when I was back outside I debated with myself how to get back home. I was too tired and despondent to do anything else than grab a cab.
The taxi driver asked me how my 14th of february had been. I said it had been a disaster. I had met nobody, and I had no fun. The highlight of the night was a whatsapp chat with my buddies back in Mexico. He said "women, why do you want them, always complaining, you are lucky to be alone", and he complained bitterly about his relationship. We laughed at the impossibility of being alone, and the impossibility of being in company. It made me realize: even though my ex is not one of those nagging women, I would have found a feb 14th with her disappointing in its own way, not because of her, but because I'm not satisfied with anything. We would have probably gone for dinner at a fancy place and then have sex back at her place, and I would have thought it had been all rote and boring.
The solution to this is not to try find increasingly stimulating situations so that we can stave off boredom, of course, but to find satisfaction in whatever situation we put ourselves into. In the end, looking at last night, it was a good night because it produced insight. I remember closing my eyes before throwing away the weed and cigarettes and thinking: "next time you want to get wasted, remember this moment and how miserable you feel, there's no upside to this, it's the opposite direction of relief".
So, despite the haziness of yesterday, I rescue the insight and I commit to enjoy the day. It's noon, it's Saturday, and it's sunny outside. Goodbye.