Every three weeks I have a 1:1 with the founders of the company I work for. Three weeks ago I was told I was not performing up to my expectations. Today was my follow-up review and I was emotionally prepared to be fired. I estimated a 90%-95% chance. I mentally prepared a scenario so that they didn't have to write me off as a loss, I could provide value in helping them recruit and onboard a designer more adequate for the position I'm trying to fill.
We usually do these meetings in a common area adjacent to the cafeteria, upstairs. A new employee didn't understand this dynamic and he came with us. When the four of us sat down, one of the co-founders cleared up to the situation, but invited him to stay because we would be discussing some work I had done. He said "regarding what we spoke last time, we are satisfied with the changes we've seen and unless you have something to tell us, we can dive right into work".
I said that I was comfortable with [new guy's name] being present, we're a small company and we could speak openly. "Even though my performance has improved, I'm not satisfied with it, I have trouble focusing and if I were in Mexico I would have already self-medicated. I recently received my health card and it might be good to get diagnosed to see if I have ADD and get medication.
Their reaction was surprise. They quickly assured me this didn't seem to merit being medicated, the changes they had seen were satisfactory. We took the segue to speak about focus and attention, and our own struggles with it. Then we discussed work. After looking at a couple of screens it was obvious they were satisfied with the quantity and the quality, though I found my work lacking on both dimensions.
My therapy session happened shortly after this meeting. I told her about this event. My therapist didn't dismiss my intention to get medicated (though she didn't approve of the self-medication that used to happen in Mexico), "but the process of diagnosis will help you discard other possible factors, such as lack of vitamin D for example". I told her that the response from my bosses made me comfortable with figuring out if I needed medication, rather than seeking a diagnosis.
Today I noticed how quick and drastic I can be when dealing with perceived rejection, but also the wisdom of what I was proposing. I had been thinking: if I am not adequate for this position, what is an outcome that will benefit the both of us? Firing me and giving me a severance will hurt them and myself (by dejection). I thought: "if I recruit a better fit for this role, and pass off the knowledge which I have obtained in these month, I can quit after two or three months of saving money in lieu of a severance, and I will leave them and myself in a better position to move forward".
In any case, I'm glad I was not being fired. But the event flared up desires of walking again. If I were a little more assertive I would tell them: let me think about this project on a walk. I'll even use my vacation days. I'll start walking next monday and come back a week later. Then you will see my productive self.
I must earn my stripes first.