Yesterday was my 45th birthday. I was hesitant to organize anything. I always feel I will inconvenience my friends, so I prefer my birthday to pass unnoticed if I'm not in Puebla (where I cannot escape the celebration).
However, as I'm dealing with my avoidance, I overrode whatever I was feeling and I told my friends from MeetUp that I would celebrate it at a Mexican restaurant. To my surprise, everyone said they would attend. I experienced great discomfort organizing it, procrastinating with the reservation until two hours before the event. It was then when I discovered the restaurant opened 30 minutes after I had asked people to come. I made the reservation and asked everyone to arrive a bit later.
After we were seated and comfortable, I told them I wanted to read them two dreams that I had recovered from my "database of dreams" (saying it's a private blog where I write down my dreams isn't fancy enough). This is what I read to them:
I was at an outdoor gathering in Puebla, and the people from MeetUp Madrid were there. I approached timidly and greeted Govi, who looked at me in surprise. "Mark! Where have you been?" she asked.
I explained to Govi that I hadn’t said goodbye to them because it was too painful for me, so I had just disappeared before coming to Mexico. Govi was really angry and said, "No, friends don’t do that. We were really worried about you, we even thought you had died. In fact, you are dead to us." Behind Govi, I could see Vicky and Ángel glancing at me indifferently, as if Govi were talking to a stranger. I felt that my excuse for not saying goodbye had backfired, that I didn’t actually know why I had left without saying anything, that I just wanted to be with my friends like before, but I had ruined everything.
Second dream:
I dreamed that I was on a countryside excursion with my friends from MeetUp. At one point, I had a moment of lucidity and realized I was dreaming. I told them, "Guys, stop for a moment, I have something to tell you." They all stopped to listen, and I said aloud, "I have to inform you that we are dreaming."
They looked at each other and whispered something among themselves, which I understood as skepticism. "I’ll prove it to you. Watch, I’m going to hug you all, and we’ll merge into one." I extended my arms to embrace everyone in a big hug. We stayed like that for a few moments.
Nothing happened.
I let go and said, "Well, it seems we’re not dreaming after all. Ahem, let’s keep walking." I felt an enormous sense of embarrassment, but everyone acted as if nothing had happened, and we continued our walk.
We chatted about dreams, then about HR Giger, then about Switzerland, general bantering. Ángel gifted me a tub of TheraPutty, Govi gifted me an entrance to a theater play based on Orlando by Virginia Woolf, Vicky gave me a physical compass and a sleeping mask. I was surprised at the thoughtfulness of every gift, I'm usually difficult to gift but I liked everything.
I invited a round of mezcal, of which half of my friends said it was super tasty and good, and the other half couldn't even finish it. It was one of the better mezcales I've had in my life (and it better be, at the price I paid). I drunk whatever they didn't finish and got tipsy.
We left the restaurant and a friend pointed out that the name of the place was "benditos sueños" ( cherished dreams, literally blessed dreams). What a nice coincidence!
I walked Vicky home. Perhaps because I was tipsy I told her I wasn't doing too good, mood-wise. I said that earlier in the day I had emailed my therapist asking for weekly sessions to address my mood and my avoidance. Even though everything in my life was good, my sense-making was broken, the events happening in my life seemed random, I couldn't narrate my own life to myself. She asked me to elaborate.
"Well, for example, when we came out of the restaurant Paris pointed out to the fact that the restaurant's name was "benditos sueños" and it's been a while since life gives me these little winks", but then I thought about it for a moment and I said: "actually, I really wanted to go to yoga today, and the fact that I had to move the event half an hour later allowed me to attend a class with my favorite teacher. And I really wanted to celebrate my birthday on the exact date, but I also wanted my good friends to come, and everyone was able to come today. My handstands have sucked lately, Ángel gave me something to train my forearms. I feel lost and you gifted me a compass. I'm sure Govi's gift will reveal its meaning in time".
I continued "I see that magic is happening constantly, but I have a way of ignoring it, it's not that my life doesn't make sense, it's that I'm not paying attention. I'm distracted". We laughed and the conversation became light-hearted. Later I helped her with her own sense-making, though I'll not reveal that part of our conversation because she's very private person.
I will reveal, however, that we kissed on the lips as we said goodbye. The reason I can't be with her is because I can't be a gentleman at this time of my life.