Walked: 32Km
This walk has a purpose, and the purpose is to re-ignite my flame. I don’t remember when my flame was extinguished, but it precedes my arrival to Spain. I expected it to ignite at work, but that didn’t happen, and now I’m walking in order to blow some wind into the embers.
I feel I won’t be able to reignite it on my own. I know I’ll be able to do it, because walking has never failed me. Today however, my flame did not reignite.
Before leaving I thought “as long as I stand straight and I focus on my breathing, I will always have something to write about when I arrive to the albergue”. Instead, my thoughts were confused, jumping all over the place, I would try focusing on my breath, but then my mind would wander.
Then I thought: OK, perhaps I need to allow space for thoughts to arise, let’s simply notice what’s arising. It was random moment of shame, however, most didn’t even warrant shame. For example, I remembered one time I prepared tacos for my fellow pilgrims. They weren’t good. The meat was tough, the tortillas were Spanish supermarket fare, etc. At the time I excused myself and people reassured me. This memory had never haunted me as a “shameful” memory, but now it is, why?
I am carrying shame. Perhaps I’ve always carried shame, because thoughts like this pop up often.
I don’t know what to do with this yet. I simply notice. I don’t like what I wrote today, but this comes from a man with no flame. When my embers catch fire I will be inspired to write again.
For now, I wander in search of a miracle.