Looking back
In 2024 I went back to Mexico, coming back from a wild 2023 in Canada. I had no professional or personal prospects, so I got depressed and entered a cycle of weed abuse. I had a brief relationship with a good woman in Puebla and mid-year I was offered a job in Barcelona, and this improved my mood and my outlook.
At Barcelona things didn't work out for me work-wise, and I entered a new cycle of weed abuse and depression. In my struggle to escape it I found h0p3 and I reconnected with old friends. I walked 20 days on the camino and I made new friends. I felt better, but when I came back to Barcelona after my walk I fell into weed abuse again.
Before returning to Mexico, I made a stop in Madrid to meet with old friends from my previous stay in Spain. One of those friends offered me a role at his startup, I took it. I begun doing the 12 step program for addiction recovery and I started dating a good friend. I seem to be going well in this newfound stability, though I find it boring.
Looking forward:
Whew! The objective account does no justice to the roller-coaster subjective experience that I lived through this year, and the last sentence sounds of ungratefulness. I require a tremendous amount of new experience in order to be engaged with life. I don't even know how to give to myself, so I seek it by changing my living situation entirely.
I'm sure that if I was working through this with a therapist, they would be making me see that it's not a black and white, that I don't have to throw everything away in order to obtain variety, that I must learn how to bring variety into my routine. I'm a bit perplexed at how difficult this is in practice, for a long time I've known I'm maxed out at yoga, that I should be taking partner dancing lessons, yet I don't want to let go of yoga, and I experience discomfort just thinking about dancing lessons.
This stability is very welcome but also difficult to appreciate, hence the ungratefulness. The observer of my thoughts knows that resenting this routine is nonsense, and is worried I might throw it all away for the thrill of uncertainty. These desires come from a more egoic and underdeveloped part of my personality, and yet I want to satisfy them, not repress them, to give myself variety in the face of routine—if only to cut a deal with myself in order to not throw it all away because I've grown bored with my current situation, which is very beneficial to me.
Putting it into practice, I will write a weekly report on the new things I've explored. This will help me address the paradoxical avoidance and need of new experience. I will write this report on Sunday evenings, and I shall seeking new experience today.