I'm on the train to Madrid. I'm relieved to escape the loop. It's the strangest thing in the world, to be free yet chained.
I just deleted a couple of paragraphs describing struggles etc. I'll just write here that I know deeply understand step one from the Twelve Steps (We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable), and my next homework is to understand step two just as well. I will spare the reader from the struggles, and describe my last days in Barcelona.
Yesterday I woke up at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep. I reserved a yoga class early in the morning, and when it finished I went to the park, not expecting to encounter anyone since it was before noon.
I was proven wrong when I saw my friends at a distance. If I met up with them I would have to explain why I was still in Barcelona, and say goodbye again (which I hate), so I turned on my heels. Right behind me was another of my friends, who recognized me. I was busted. I went up to my friends and said that some matters had delayed my departure, and I spent a couple of hours with them.
It was wonderful. They were all very warm and appreciative. I had a great time. I had curiosity for trying the harder drugs they were doing, but then I remembered that I can't even handle the soft ones. It was endearing to hear Rasmus dictate that nobody was allowed to tempt me into that stupid shit. Don't ever do speed. Yessir.
At the park I saw the thief who had been detained by the police. I had warned him that if I saw him again at the park, I would declare that he stole my bag.
The previous day I had refreshed my memory reading my own declaration. It was very clear: I hadn't seen the thief. My threats towards him were empty. I could have walked up to him and do a silverback gorilla act, but even if it worked he would only get out of my sight.
I felt sad. We can't control ourselves, and this makes our lives unmanageable.
At night I went alone to an electronic music event/concert. I made some "friends" by a struck of luck: I chatted with a girl while waiting in line and it turned out one of her friends had been my teacher for a yoga-like class. Throughout the night we would find each other on the dance floor and smiles little dances etc. It made the night much more fun.
I was amused that an unknown lady would ask me if I had any stimulants, "like speed or anything else". Do I look like a dealer to you ma'am?
The event ended at 6am, not for lack of enthusiasm but because that's the nightclub's curfew. I biked back home, had a quick dinner/breakfast, and went to sleep at 7am. I woke up at noon and packed up and cleaned after myself. I still had enough time for a last visit to the beach, where I did my daily meditation.