Two Sundays per month I attend a MeetUp group which discusses what I would call "brain fodder" videos, usually of the TED talk variety. While I hold qualms about the format of most TED talks (and the quality of some), I enjoy the discussions that take place around them in this group.
A meta thing that I enjoy about the group is noticing participation dynamics, good and bad. I will start with myself: I notice I have a penchant for appearing clever, and I have a bit of a contrarian streak. I find the exceptions in assertions people make, especially if I dislike them. I'd say that if there is anything I need to do to improve the dynamics of the group, this would be to suspend judgement and explore other people's ideas more throughly, by asking questions and reasoning with them. This is something lacking in society in general, and I think part of the reason why this particular group is successful is because Ángel, the host, practices it.
There is a core group of regulars who are generally quite adept at discussing ideas. It is unusual for a newcomer to be a good participant, and I don't understand why. Many perhaps "try too hard" and participate too much, without saying anything valuable. Others almost seem to want to sabotage the discussion, sidetracking into irrelevant things. Perhaps there's an unspoken and unconscious code that us regulars follow and newcomers are breaking it, which is why it irks me. This is true for interrupting and talking over other people, and for engaging in a monologue for too long.
I truly don't know if people experience the world as I do, but for me it's clear that when I enter a group, I must first understand the rules of engagement before participating. Perhaps this comes from my fear of embarrassment. By habit my first task is to understand what is expected of each participant. After I understand this, I can actually understand what is being discussed. After I understand what is being discussed, I can be a good participant. After being a good participant, you can become a facilitator of good group dynamics (or co-host). I guess this is where my stream of thought has brought me.
I'll ask ChatGPT what makes a good conversation host in order to make this actionable:
A good conversation host creates an environment where everyone feels engaged, valued, and heard. Here are some traits and practices that contribute to that:
Active Listening: Great hosts are genuinely curious about others’ thoughts. They listen not just to respond but to understand, acknowledging what others say and responding thoughtfully. This builds a sense of respect and openness.
Inclusive Engagement: They notice when someone is left out or hasn’t had a chance to speak, and they bring them in gently. They’re aware of group dynamics and adjust to make sure everyone feels welcome.
Thoughtful Questioning: The best hosts ask open-ended questions that encourage deeper conversation. Instead of asking "yes" or "no" questions, they might say, "What’s your take on…?" or "How did that experience change your perspective?" This gives others room to share more.
Balanced Speaking and Listening: A good host contributes to the conversation but doesn’t dominate it. They’re comfortable with silence and don’t feel the need to fill every pause, allowing others to reflect and contribute more meaningfully.
Genuine Interest: Rather than steering the conversation toward their own interests, a good host follows where the conversation naturally flows, showing real curiosity about other people's perspectives.
Setting a Comfortable Tone: They set an open and comfortable tone, making it easy for people to express different viewpoints without fear of judgment. They also know when to lighten the mood with humor or switch topics if the conversation gets too tense or intense.
Being Attentive to Body Language: A skilled host picks up on non-verbal cues, such as someone looking away or shifting uncomfortably, and adapts accordingly, either by changing topics or inviting that person to share their thoughts in a non-pressuring way.
Knowing When to Wrap Up: They can sense when a topic is winding down and are good at transitioning to something new or naturally bringing the conversation to a close without it feeling abrupt.
In essence, a great conversation host balances curiosity, empathy, and awareness, creating a space where ideas flow easily and everyone feels connected.
Thanks ChatGPT, I think I'm ready to shift my participation dynamics.