I decided to postpone my AA meeting until tomorrow. Perhaps a bad sign, but I also wanted to say goodbye to my good friend weed on my own, in peace. I came to the library of the Universidad Pompeu Fabra, and after much wrangling with their internet connection (I'm in a basement). I'm choosing to work here instead of their beautiful building because here I am surrounded by students. Perhaps it was not a good idea. I must admit I just realized I set myself to work here because I found some female students attractive.
Here I must not judge my experience, I must feel it. My goal is not to meet any of them, I often feel more focused if I am surrounded by beauty. The same happens to me in yoga, it is wonderful to be surrounded by female beauty. This could be called creepy, and it would if I were constantly observing beauty, but that is not the case. Observe, inhale, and take that inspiration to the focus of your work.
Also, make sure that human beauty is not your only source of beauty. There are many sources of beauty in the world. The place where I'm right now is certainly not ugly. It's utilitarian, but it's not as beautiful as it could be:
Let's move to a place where I can obtain beauty through the architecture.
This is my side view. I feel more at peace. Murmurs in the background. People typing as I'm doing right now. I've come into sudden presence. I was slouching. Uncrossed my legs, which were hanging under the chair. Suddenly grounded. Breathing slowly. I've come back to this place I can only arrive after a long meditation. This is my shortcut, but I know how to get here the long way, it's just a matter of not cheating.
I'm tired of playing this game with myself, it always leads to the same place. My body just went back to the slouch, you can only think straight when you sit straight and breathe calmly.
Here is a bypass, I will simply forget about whatever is making me hunch, fake a nice posture, indeed, that I will do, I will control my breath and my posture, and now I feel even powerful, but this seems not to be me. Wait a minute, I'm disowning this part of myself!
OK, I'll explore this disowned part of myself. Let us assume the posture of a proud homo sapiens using one of the pinnacles of its computing technology. Like they taught me in school: chicken arms with the shoulder blades back. Squeeze those shoulder blades. Could I record myself?
I am recording myself with what I think is pretty good posture, but this is the first time I sit down to record myself. I am seeing this for the first time.
I feel as if I was ready for inner work now. Proud, strong and tall. Now I'm writing recording myself directly from the front. I feel uncomfortable doing this, but I'm doing it for the sake of experimentation.
Let's imagine I'm being pulled by the head, make the neck long, straighten the spine as much as possible.. Ok, relax. Let's see... There's something I always think is a great idea when I'm high, but then when I'm grounded it's like nah. That is recording myself meditating. I will try it now and upload it to YouTube.
You know it's a very vain thing to do, uploading yourself to YouTube meditating. I've thought about recording my daily practice. Blatant virtue signaling is it not? But, at this time, it is what I most need and I constantly forget. I will do this for today, and hope that my grounded self tomorrow agrees to continue doing it.
After meditation I feel that... It's time to go to yoga, I must be quick. Post asap!