I seem to be confabulating a project about my addictions. I write I seem because it is not deliberate. I begun writing private entries as self-therapy from which I see the possibility of a project emerging. I'm throughly skeptical about it, even afraid, as it would be very intimate and uncomfortable to publish. I will continue to write in private and decide what to do about it later.
Today my replacement phone is supposed to arrive (it was stolen a couple of days ago). Without my phone I don't have access to money, it's a lengthy and boring explanation which I will omit. I've been eating whatever I have in the pantry, relying on lentils and chickpeas for my protein. It's an interesting experience. I see become engaged with life when I encounter strong constraints. I think this is because my attention is driven towards operating within those constraints rather than contemplating existence.
Yesterday I didn't smoke. I went to a couple of concerts around the city, but I found them boring. I sometimes wonder: why is it that we consume things in order to enjoy other things? It's like we want to want. We can't be happy not wanting. It seems not wanting and being satisfied are not the same thing. Can I find satisfaction in not wanting?
I've been practicing breathing consciously when I walk. The prompt I use is thinking about smoking (either weed or tobacco)—oh, that means I must breathe, I think, and I slowly inflate my lungs on the count of eight and then deflate them in the same time. It changes my mood in a subtle way. I'm also holding vacuums and playing with my breath in general. I always read people are huge on breathwork but for me it's very subtle. I still enjoy it.