This morning I woke up and thought I had to go to the beach to swim naked again. Yesterday was the first time I did it in a crowded place. As I wasn't planning on swimming, I was wearing underwear beneath my shorts. I debated how to remove my underwear before realizing some people around me were already naked. I'm not especially keen on being naked around people, but I do like skinny dipping, so I promptly pulled down my undergarments and jumped into the water.
I played with the small waves of the mediterranean. I thought any amount of fun with this wave size was impossible, but words from a yoga teacher came to mind: you set the level of difficulty by adjusting your dedication to practice. So, holding myself with my arms and lifting my legs in an L-sit, the small waves became a challenge which could throw me off balance.
I then went into deeper waters in order to explore some movements unconstrained by gravity. It was peaceful, pleasant and soothing. I wondered how is it that I hand't done this before. My expectation of the outcome was not accurate, I thought the water was nasty, leaving my stuff unattended dangerous, the waves boring, etc.
Expectation of outcome is tricky. It motivates as much as it dissuades (when you are in a healthy state of mind). It surprises as much as it disappoints. It also takes us out of the present moment by comparing your expectation to the experience, "this is not what I imagined it would be", for better or for worse.
At this time, my expectation of outcome is bleak. I understand this to be a temporary state of mind. A cloudy day which will be dispelled. Two days ago René wrote to me that the quarterly product review had taken place after I left the company, that my team did a good job, and that my work was liked in general. It was lukewarm feedback when I expected a bucket of ice water poured down my shirt. I frankly tortured myself over imaginary negative feedback, so this was music to my ears.
If my capacity of predicting outcome is impaired by my mood, then I must correct for it. I will stop listening to that voice that puts up all sorts of excuses to avoid action.