Walked: 22.4 Km
This walk is going to be different from the one I had five years ago. Last time I was inspired to write essays, this time I seem to have gone into debugging mode. That's perfectly fine, it's what I need right now, but I feel as if were disappointing the reader.
What am I debugging? Something that continues to baffle me as I walk is the emergence of embarrassing memories. When this happens, I consistently mutter out loud "que idiota" (what an idiot [I was]), then I backtrack "no you're fine, it's not even that embarrassing", and then "Gosh why do I have to go through this a dozen times per day? Just focus on your breath".
The last three months I lived in Barcelona, I lived with a Mexican guy ten years my junior. I saw a lot of myself in him. It's very rare that I identify with other people, but often other people identify with me. I think this is because I usually highlight what we have in common rather than what makes us different.
My roommate is a psychologist with a Masters degree who gives therapy for a living. He likes climbing, playing the guitar (though he's still practicing). He has a beautiful Weimaraner dog. He's very strong (though admittedly carrying a bit of extra weight).
But he has no self-confidence. And he is in a constant existential crisis. And he seems to believe he should be better than he already is. I would tell him "dude, if you were able to see yourself from my point of view, you would see that you are blessed", but then it doesn't escape me that I am exactly in the same position, existential crisis and all, blessed yet unappreciative of what I am.
But I also don't want to "appreciate" myself. I think most people I admire don't have a high or low opinion about themselves. They probably have an accurate perception of their virtues and shortcomings. I recently read the masturbation habits of one of the people I admire, and I thought "wow, that makes me feel much better about myself", but it wasn't because my habits are any "better", it was because his relation to himself was better and thus I understood I could relate to this habit with full acceptance instead of making it a struggle.
I find myself yearning for the dream that concluded my last walk. I will reproduce it here:
I was in therapy, and I was explaining my therapist the details of the issues I was working through. I paused, I took a deep breath, and said "you know what? I think all this is bullshit, I'm fine, I've done my work. All is resolved. Thank you for your help". The therapist stood up from her chair and walked up to me, reclining until her face was in front of my face. She kissed me on the lips and said "Yes, you are right".
Just right now my mother sent me a prescient WA message (translated from Spanish):
Mark, let God guide you, and remember that the only thing he asks from us is that we are happy. We become happy by doing good, by doing things well, and by being grateful.
So I'll take my mother's prescription: do good, be competent, and be grateful.
I'm starting to enjoy reporting on my eating habits:
| Qty | Item | Calories |
|---|---|---|
| 350g | Pasta and breaded fillet | 550 |
| 250g | Salad | 260 |
| 2 | Peaches | 100 |
| 950g | Drinkable yoghurt | 650 |
| 1.5l | Full milk | 960 |
| 500g | Chickpeas | 400 |
| 280g | Tuna in oil (drained) | 520 |
| 1.5l | "Light" lemonade | 375 |
Not pictured is a glass of beer I'm drinking now (I had to buy a drink to be entitled to a table in the public swimming pool), bringing the total to 4,000 calories. I finished all the food from yesterday, but I was stuffed. This seems to be a more reasonable amount, but I will verify in the morning.