Yesterday, during the TED Talks event, Ángel, the organizer mentioned something about attachment theory. Someone asked him to elaborate. He explained that there were three types of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant. He said something along the lines of "secure is good, anxious have hope, but the book is very clear: avoidants are hopeless. Always on the look for someone better, never wanting to commit". My eyes met Vicky's, my ex, she had a teasing smile. I blushed bright red and I knew I had outed myself in front of everyone. I fanned my hands to blow air into my face, laughing nervously. I'm easily embarrassed and I've seen the best way to let it pass is to admit it, so I said "ya me puse rojo" (I've turned red).
Somebody said to me "Pedro asked you a question" and I was completely taken by surprise, I guess the embarrassment experience completely blocked out everything else. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you", he repeated the question, which I don't remember, and I said "but what does that have to do with attachment theory?" and he said "nothing, the question is not about that", and it took me a couple of seconds to collect myself and understand what he was talking about.
At the end of the event I caught up with Vicky as she was leaving, and I asked if she wanted to have dinner. She said yes. We walked to the Chinese soup place I was seeking on my valentine's day and sat down catching up with our latest weeks, as we haven't seen each other in a while. Later on, I told her that I had outed myself on the attachment conversation, and that I had thought it was a good thing we had broken up, she wouldn't want to date such a hopeless person.
"Have you thought about therapy?" she asked me. I said that, given my instability in life, it was kinda useless trying to fix it at this time. If my relationships are temporary, I will avoid the roots reaching too deep into the soil. I might seem unemotional on the surface, but leaving my friends behind is always a difficult experience and my attachment style is a coping mechanism.
She pressed on "but don't you think you are living your life half-heartedly? Wouldn't you want to live your life in full, even if that means hurting later?". I explained it through another example: when I first came to Spain, I had a girlfriend and we rented a place together. We spent a lot of effort, money and time furnishing a place. Then our employer decided to part ways with us (we were co-workers) and we had to practically give everything away. It was difficult. Then we travelled to Canada and then Mexico, always renting furnished places so that our sand castles wouldn't be washed away the next wave.
The conversation made me realize: I'm not avoidant because I move, I move because I'm avoidant. It manifests not only in personal relationships, but in work and in my living situation. At the TED talks even we had spoken about one of the points: "The advice you don’t want to hear is usually the advice you need", and I can't help but admit that this suggestion is perhaps wise if I want to make life work out for me.
The next day (today) I woke up to a message from Vicky, who had sent me a message after I had gone to bed. She was embarrassed at pressuring me into a difficult conversation. I answered on the contrary, I had experienced it as something difficult but engaging and fruitful, and that she should do more of it because she is good at it. Then I understood this conversation was also necessary for her because she needed answers as to why I decided to end our romantic relationship.
Here lies an opportunity for growth which I'm still hesitant to take.