Yesterday I went to the park for a yoga practice. I ran into my friends there, and I couldn't help but smoke weed with them. After I had smoked I noticed the self-deception, it would be like an alcoholic saying "oh, I'll just go to the bar to meet up with my friends, but I won't drink". What surprised me was that I truly didn't see it coming.
I am at the first stage of the 12 step program: "We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction—that our lives had become unmanageable". The step that follows is: "We came to believe that a power greater than us could restore us to sanity". I already believe this. The third step is: "We made a decision to turn our will and lives to the care of God as we understood him". Here I will need spiritual guidance on how to accomplish this.
I'll join a 12 step program once I find some stability. Meanwhile, this struggle will pause naturally once I leave Barcelona, as I won't have means or friendships to procure myself weed (it's out of reach enough so that it's easy to keep away). It will surely resurface in Mexico if I don't do anything about it.
I consider I have three addictions: weed, tobacco and porn. The three are tied up through the same trauma, or so I consider. I've been resolving the trauma in the background for the past ten years, this will probably make them easier to drop, and I'm already managing better in recent years than in former years.
Jeez, I'm starting to feel like I need to walk again.
Just to register what I did yesterday: Andrés (my roommate) and I cleaned the entire apartment in the morning. Cleaning is more pleasant when it's done at the same time, usually we divide responsibilities and each one does it at their own time. Then I went to the park. My friends left to go to the house of one of them to do harder drugs. I declined without hesitation. Then I went to the calisthenics park and exercised more. Came back home for supper and then went to the fiesta mayor de la Barceloneta. Again it was boring without weed so I didn't hand out for long.