Meditated: 16min
Yesterday I felt ill from a recent flu. I went to work to the library of the University of Pompeu Fabra and at lunch time I went to the park. I wanted to desist from work and just smoke a joint to feel better. In the end I bargained with myself to go back home to sleep, which was the right thing to do. After my nap I went to yoga and I felt much better.
However, at night I again bargained with myself going to what I thought was a reggae concert and of course having a smoke. I went there to find some loudspeakers blasting reggae and some sardines being grilled for the two dozen or so attendants. I don't know why I felt out of place and for some reason I found the sardines unappealing, so I walked back home.
As I was walking back home, I was lamenting losing the energy I gained while walking the camino. I'm in the loop already, I dislike it, yet I can't seem to avoid it. Tonight I expect a very similar thing to happen.
Programming the new game is going wel, though there is still much work ahead. Sometimes I have to remember why I'm doing this, which is to regain my professional confidence. However, having doubts once again about my "alone with myself and sober" and my social confidence makes the foundation shaky.
I find it hard to write about my struggles with substance abuse, at the same time I know it to be useless to write about it. I recognize this cycle very well: I will smoke until I'm fed up with it and then I will make new commitments to stave it off. The stave-off will be temporary unless I'm able to displace it with connection to other people. And yet I know I'm perceiving people as tools to accomplish something for my own benefit. It's like I have the correct prescription, but I'm using the pill as a suppository instead of swallowing it.
My mind has been playing with another solo walk, this time going deep into myself, but I will wait for this (what I'm living right now) to play out before taking these ideas seriously. I still have much work ahead.