Yesterday I went to work at the library at Barceloneta. It wasn't my plan to go there, it simply was the closest library to the mail office. At lunchtime I needed to come back home to have lunch, but since I was close to the beach, I went there for a quick dip into the sea.
I wasn't carrying swimming trunks, or even a towel. I stripped myself naked leaving my backpack with my computer on the sand. It's a beach notorious for thieves, so I kept an eye on it as I relaxed in the sea.
I love the fact that nudity is not a big deal in Spain. I used to be a prude in this matter, but now I love to swim in the naked. This is a recent development which begun this summer. It's as liberating as it's convenient. I still prefer to lounge on the beach in trunks though.
Amusing related anecdote that happened just now: I remembered my jeans still had some sand on them, so I went to the balcony to shake off the sand. I forgot the underwear were still inside them, so they fell off from the pants unto the pedestrian street three stories below, almost hitting a couple who were walking by (I scurried away before they would look up, in embarrassment). I went to my room to put my shoes but then overheard a mechanical hum with the sound of sweeping, which meant that they were cleaning the street. I looked out the balcony to see my underwear gobbled up by the sweeping truck. Oh well.
I sidetracked a bit. I was writing this to point out that a good plan is to pack lunch and have my work break at the beach when I put myself to actual work.
After three weeks of not smoking weed, dreams have come back. They are distinctly non-meaningful though. For example, I dreamed that I was doing leg lifts on parallel bars at a calisthenics park. I looked down and I saw that I was performing them at a height of about ten meters from the ground. A group of people were impressed by my leg lifts. The started screaming "go higher, go higher!" and I lifted my legs all the way up until they met my torso, almost in a vertical position. My legs touched a metal ceiling which was rusty and seemed to have a latch on it.
I suppose a psychotherapist could say that the height at which the exercise is performed, the crowd cheering for more, the rusty "old" ceiling with a latch on it are indicative of the transcendence of old performance barriers. It's not something that will happen, but the manifestation of a different way of thinking. I will ask ChatGPT to roleplay a psychoanalyst for me with this dream as input:
Prompt: you will roleplay as a psychotherapist, I will tell you a dream and you will interpret it for me. You will ask me clarification or to go into further detail in order to obtain a good interpretation of the dream.
[telling dream and clarification questions]
Here’s how I interpret your dream:
The act of performing leg lifts at a great height suggests you're exploring new heights in your personal development, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally. The fact that you were indifferent to the height, and able to perform better than you do in waking life, implies that you may have untapped potential or abilities you're not fully aware of yet, but you're starting to glimpse them.
The crowd cheering you on represents external validation or societal pressure to keep pushing your limits, but your surprise at your own ability suggests that you're in the process of discovering just how far you can go, maybe even beyond what you consciously expect of yourself.
The metal ceiling, however, is a significant symbol. It acts as a limit or barrier, but it’s rusty, suggesting that this limitation is old or outdated. It could represent self-imposed boundaries, fears, or outdated beliefs that are no longer serving you, yet they're still present. The fact that you weren’t drawn to open the latch suggests you might not be ready to challenge that barrier just yet, or that you feel it’s not worth it to go beyond. You already know what’s behind it (the rusty building), which may indicate that you’re aware of certain limitations or fears, but aren’t interested in revisiting them right now.
In essence, this dream could be reflecting a period where you're excelling beyond expectations but still aware of certain barriers, which you're choosing not to confront just yet. Does this resonate with your current situation in any way?
Hmmmm it does resonate with my current situation. I think the reason why I attribute lack of meaning is because the dream lacked feeling. It is when my emotions are involved that I perceive dreams as meaningful.
This is an interesting insight: I only perceive things as real when I feel them and it makes sense to reason. Reason knows not everything I feel is real and they need to be in accordance. Should I have senseless nightmare or even a recent loving dream, reason would also discard it as not real.
This applies to dreams as well as waking life. Have you ever met a potential romantic partner that is great on paper, but the feeling is just not there? A project which makes a lot of sense, but you just can't get emotionally invested in it? It's Plato's chariot all over.
Another amusing spur of the moment anecdote. I got up to go to the bathroom. There I found the book that I borrowed from the library yesterday: Feeling and Knowing by Antonio Damasio. I completely forgot about it. I am not exploring this theme deliberately, I just picked out a book from the shelf which seemed interesting, I have barely begun reading it and my stream of thought brought me here.
A single question for myself to explore today:
After my walk I have become aware that I am capable of directing my thought, to some degree. Am I able to direct my feeling?