This morning I woke up early and put my bed sheets to wash. I was idling at the computer when I received a WA message: "What's up Mark, are you coming"—Oh shit, I completely forgot I had arranged to meet with a MeetUp friend near work for breakfast! We even confirmed the day before. I was greatly embarrassed and after apologizing profusely I hung the laundry on a rack and I left for work.
On my way there I thought: "Shit, I forgot to pack clothes for yoga, I guess I'll either skip it today, or leave work early to get changed. When I arrived to work I realized I had left my computer at home. I greeted my co-workers and quickly biked back home to pick it up (and my clothes for yoga, while I was there).
Sometimes I wonder if I have ADD. At the same time I'm a skeptic of this label, and the binary nature of all labels. I have problems with forgetfulness, but when I compare to my sister I might as well be a memory savant. She goes into autopilot mode when she's driving, always going to either her office or her home. I've told her "you made the wrong turn" she drives back to the turn and she does exactly the same mistake as before. I've learned to be a co-pilot with her, otherwise we would never be able to make it to our destination.
Things got much better for her when she started taking Ritalin. She was finally able to get on top of her tasks, she was on time for her appointments, etc. Even the relationship with her boyfriend improved drastically. One time she was telling me how wonderful her relationship was going, I said I was glad, and asked her what had changed, because they used to have a lot of problems. She said she thought it was mutual acceptance and relationship maturity.
A couple of days later she contacted me again, writing "I asked my boyfriend what had changed about our relationship. He didn't doubt it for a second: there was a before and after the pills. He would call me an hour before picking me up so that I would be ready, and I would take 30 minutes more. I knew it was important for him to be punctual, but whatever I did it seemed impossible for me to be ready on time. Now I'm often waiting for him at the door without him having to remind me he will be there within an hour.
I've bummed a couple of pills from my sister before. I'm not a big fan. It makes me feel a different person. Right now I'm at work, writing this because I can't focus on work. If I was on Ritalin, I'd be doing what I'm supposed to do. Many of my most creative acts are really just acts of procrastination, by avoiding what I was supposed to do I end up doing what I really want to do. Not to say this entry is particularly creative, I'm just emptying my thoughts here.
I am partial to modafinil, however. It is sold over the counter in Mexico, and I will often resort to it if I have work responsibilities. There's generic versions and it costs about $10 USD per week. I don't know if it's a placebo effect but sometimes I sense it blunts my feeling, it takes away some of the melancholy and also some of the joy. I self-administer as needed (according to my responsibilities). If I have no responsibilities, I don't take it.
Which brings me to wonder: how many of these ADD drugs would be necessary without this cult of productivity? This morning I was thinking: I don't really feel like going to work. Why do we have to work, despite feeling disinclined to do so? It's like eating without an apetite, like having sex without desire, like learning something because you have an exam, not because you are interested in it.
I've gone for too long indulging in these idle thoughts while sitting at my desk. I'll just publish it and go back to Figma. Sigh.