I don’t know why I pain so much over minor decisions. Major ones, however, somehow always appear clear. I might put off taking action over a major decision, but I already know the outcome. With minor decisions, I don’t want to commit to a decision.
Right now, for example, I was debating if I should go to a live music event called AfroJam. I’ve been there the last two Thursdays, and I’ve enjoyed myself. Today, however, I’m tired, and tomorrow will be a long day. I could go out tonight, enjoy myself, and have a half-miserable day tomorrow; or I could go to bed early and have a decent day tomorrow.
After much puzzling it over, I decided to stay home. But as I’m sitting here writing, I’m still on time to change my mind and go out, and I feel as if I’ll be missing out. I’m tired yet restless. The purpose of writing this is not picking apart my decision; it’s trying to understand why I don’t commit to the small decisions, why I don’t find peace even though I’ve decided to stay home.
I think this indecision is inner fragmentation. Parts of myself pull in different directions. Why do I want to go out? Oh that’s clear, I’m a slut. I wanna dance and flirt. What part of me wants to stay? Clear too, I’m a monk. Why do I have a slut and monk inside of me!? Mystery of mysteries. I will go to bed now imagining them, hoping for a dream. I’ll report of this worked tomorrow.
I didn't expect this to happen, but I actually dreamed about my inner conflict: I was in Puebla and I wanted to go to the sulfurous water park that's near my house, Agua Azul. On my way there, I encountered numerous military checkpoints, humvees, soldiers and whatnot. Every couple of meters a soldier would come up and ask me where I was going, "I'm going to Agua Azul, yes I live nearby, no I don't want to blow up anything or kill anyone". The dream ended before I reached the water park.
My interpretation is this: too many roadblocks to pleasure.